“I want to write about deciding to end my engagement,” I told Jay.
Jay Stolar. He’s my co-writer. At that point we’d been working together just a few months… but I already knew I could trust him with this one.
“Ok, tell me what happened,” he said. My side of the story tumbled out.
The inkling that something wasn’t right, even though everything was “fine”.
The thought that, “He’s a good person. If I can’t make this work… will I end up alone forever?”
The longing for that sexy-alive-I’m-HERE-for-this kind of love again.
The feeling ungrateful, the doubt… the shame.
The feeling like I was at the bottom of a deep dark hole that no one could help me out of.
How a conversation with a friend, in my car after dinner, felt like a pinhole of light.
How I started going to therapy.
How eventually I stopped holding all of this myself and told my fiancé about it… and how he was so kind.
How that didn’t help.
How I told my mother. And she didn’t diminish it, or disown me, or any of the things I was afraid of.
How the pinhole became a portal.
I took roadtrip to LA, just me and my friends. There was car karaoke, and the ocean. Making dinner together, and wine, and laugh-howling ‘til our ears hurt. I remember waking up that Sunday, buzzing and light, noticing what it was to feel joy again. It felt so real and trustable. And in that moment everything snapped into place. I could feel it with my whole body. The doubt was gone.
I came home and told him, “I don’t want to get married anymore.”
Breaking up is rarely easy, and I think it’s because of that specific cocktail of guilt and pain that comes with choosing your heart over someone else’s. That tension is what inspired #BeALittleLonely. (And thank you Jay for listening and digging and helping me tell that story.)
Over the next few days, with the help of a few inspiring friends, I’ll be sharing more stories about the desire to risk “being a little lonely” in order to find what makes you happy. If you’ve ever been afraid of following what makes you happy because you’re afraid that it will damage your relationship(s), then I hope you can find some validation/clarity/courage in these stories.